-

And your right there…lingering in the back of my mind, when I thought I had completely erased you…you always find a way back. Always. -

I kind of miss you. hahaha eff why do i miss you all of a sudden. 

everyone is so fucking annoying lol why the hell am i home 

I can’t believe you made Appa get all pissed off at me for like the first time ever, telling me my curfew is 7 from now on….like….no….are you fucking kidding me. Hell no I’m not coming home at 7 every day. You’re stupid af. hahahahahahaha this is so dumb. Me and you don’t even talk that much anymore. Can we please leave it like that? Go talk to oppa or something. hes your favorite anyways. Stop giving a damn about me. I’m perfectly fine with the way we are…until now…your bipolar personality always has to ruin it for me…damn. this is stupid af. im not coming at 7. youre fucking stupid if you think im coming home at 7 lol

…

Fuck I got an 86 on my math test …… and my last grade was an 83…. I’m so sad right now. I have an 88 in here. I need a 90, I NEED a 90. I want to spend my summer without hearing crap from my mom for not getting an A….fuck I want the dslr my dad promised me if I got straight a’s….and I want my license….oh my gahd. I’m gonna cry. So much damn stress. All I do is spend my time after school taking every chance to bring up my grade in any way, I spend almost everyday going to hakwon for hours and hours, stay yup finishing projects, studying and hw. I have volunteering at church every wed till ten and I go to art hakwon too…fuh. FUH. I need a freaking break. I’m so sleep deprived and stressed, its ridiuclous. School is getting the best of me. fml hard

Its not the same anymore.

I tried today. We were both going to the tennis game, I don’t really know why you were going but you were. I said lets go together, then you threw a sarcastic remark at me. When you were walking to the courts, I walked beside you telling you I’d go with you, you left me and walked back to the guys, so I just stood there, embarrassed and luckily one of my girl friends came up to me and we walked together. I tried and you shot me down completely. This sucks. I was sitting on the grass at the tennis game with a couple of my friends and you walked back and forth a lot, I looked at you when you were walking away but I never looked when you were walking past me. My friend told me that ever time you walked past me, you would always take a glance at me. I don’t even care though. You frustrate me. I don’t want to try anymore, its hopeless and useless. Maybe we are just supposed to be friends. Maybe you really are “too young” for me. Maybe I am just better off with someone else or just alone. I know you think you have me on some string right now, like some puppet, but no, not anymore. Don’t think I can’t move on. If I can do it once, then I sure as hell can do it twice. 

I just want you. Thats all really. Grow up a little bit, get your thoughts together and come on, give us a chance. Lets see what happens. 

I can’t believe I’m writing a post about you.

My baby sister, C- has been talking to me about a guy that she has something with and she told me it reminds her of you and me and the minute she told me about how they met at Lifetime and how hes older than her, I couldn’t help but agree and since then, I can’t lie, you’ve been popping up in my head again, so here goes another long ass post/letter to you, once again.

Its been…how long? Like 2 or 3 years? Around there. Damn. I wonder how your doing and how everything’s going for you. I see that your still with your girlfriend, you guys have been together for a long time now. You seem happy and I really hope you are. I bet you forgot about me, completely. The last time we talked was the day before my first of Freshman year. That was the last time, crazy huh?

I keep rewinding and repeating everything we went through in my head right now. Everything is still so clear to me, from the first day we met to the last day we talked. I remember the first time I saw you at Lifetime. I didn’t even care about who you were and I had no intention of talking to you and I didn’t even think you were cute, you were absolutely nothing to me. I remember recognizing your face from SYNOD retreat, but thats it. I was with Jane and Esther that day and Jane happened to know and saw you and you guys talked, while me and Esther awkwardly stood in the back, then walking away. I came home that night, to see a friend request and a comment. I had no intention of flirting with you or even, talking to you like how we ended up. You were the last person I thought who would mean this much to me. You know that quote, “I want someone to come into my life on accident and stay on purpose” ? Thats what you did. You came into my life, when I least expected it and stayed. From that night on, we talked on chat and one night, I just opened up to you about my family and I began to trust you and become more fond of you. We started texting, every. single. day. Constantly talking, with a little bit of flirting. We started meeting each other up at Lifetime and hanging out there and making plans outside of Lifetime too. Even during all of that, I never expected to like you, I had no intention of that. I just saw you as a friend and as time went on, the feelings came, without me even knowing. We started to become more fond of each other, more attracted to each other as time went on. You know what Joanna told me one day at school during that year? She told me that Jane told her that, you asked Jane about me the day after you saw me at Lifetime. You told her that you thought I was pretty and cute and that you wanted her to introduce us to each other. When she told me that, I felt so…wanted, so good about myself. I felt pretty. The fact that you went out of your way, even when you knew how old I was, and asked someone to introduce us to each other, fuh, I felt so good. We’d always be together at Lifetime, whether it be just us in the studio or me watching you play basketball. When it was just you and me in the studio, I loved that. It’d just be you and me, no one else, in that big room, with the lights dim. We had silences, but damn, they were those comfortable silences. We literally just enjoyed each others company, soaked in each others presence and just had small talk about our lives. We’d look at each other and just smile, knowing nothing was awkward even without any talking. We began to flirt more and become more than friends. I started coming to Lifetime more and more, just to see you and you began texting me, telling me you constantly wanted to see me. You hugged me more, tighter and you held me in your arms and held my hands. I remember, I’d always wait for you in the studio when you were playing basketball. I”d just wait there and I always found it so cute, when I’d see you running to the studio, out of breath, telling me “Where were you?! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” and then you’d just come sit next to me, put your head on my lap and you’d just smile. I remember you did that one day and you held my hand too. You grabbed it first and held onto, tight. I was playing with your hair and just looking at you, smiling. Gahd, I loved the way you made me feel. That was when I didn’t wear much makeup and just went to Lifetime in sweaters and shorts and you still made me feel so damn pretty and so wanted. You only paid attention to me and dealt with all my annoying friends, just because you wanted to be with me. And I remember, I was gonna go walk to Discover with a friend to get some food cause we were hungry and we were stuck at Lifetime for a really long time and I told you I’d be right back. You were leaning against the wall, sitting on something and I was standing in front of you, you had your arms around me and I told you I’d be right back and not to leave, I remember you held onto my hand until I walked away far enough that you couldn’t anymore. I remember playing basketball with you when the courts were free and you’d let me shoot the ball, even though I missed the hoop 90% of the time. I miss it.

I remember when you kissed me. You were my first kiss, the best and the only one I don’t regret. It was perfect. I was so mad at you that day. I went out of my way, asking every single possible person I knew at church to take me to Lifetime that Sunday so I could go see you cause you told me you wanted to see me that day, so of course I tried my hardest. Joanna came with me too. We both went, and you were playing basketball more than usual. You played more than you talked to me. I was there for hours and the most you said to me was “15 more minutes!” I was so mad that day, so sad and so angry and annoyed. You came running upstairs to the studio and you told me you were sorry and I was still mad. Joanna left us alone for a while and the minute she left, you grabbed me. You were laying down and you grabbed me and laid me down right next to you. You were just holding me, with your face close and I couldn’t help you forget about everything and just smile at you. You got a little bit on top of me, with your face not even a centimeter away from my face and I didn’t know what else to do, but smile at you like an idiot. I felt so good, with you so close. You kissed my cheek and I kissed your cheek. You kissed my neck twice and then you kissed me…on the lips. It was short and simple, but man, it meant the world to me. I was so shocked that I had no idea what to do. You thought I didn’t want you to kiss me, but man, I was just being a pussy because I was so shocked you did. I kept telling you that I did want to kiss you and you told me to prove it and Idk what came over me, but I went straight to you and gave you another kiss. I loved that day. I loved every day I spent with you. You know something that I can never stop smiling about, no matter how much I’m over you, this will always make my heart tingle. You were off on a retreat for a week and there was no service there, so that meant no talking for a week. I told you I’d miss you and you told me you would too and that you would try texting me every chance you got. One night at around 2 am, I got a text from you saying, “I miss you” No periods, no hearts, nothing, just a simple I miss you and fuh, that made my heart flip out. The fact that you texted me right away as soon as you got a little bit of service, it made me feel so special. You sent me another one later that week saying, “I finally got some service again, I miss you.” I wish I’d have someone do that for me again. You made me feel so cared for and so wanted and you showed me and proved to me how much you liked me, I could tell without you having to tell me.

I wish we never ended. You were everything I wanted and you made me so genuinely happy. When we ended, I wasn’t hurt, it didn’t effect me until after. I had at least 3 break downs of me just crying, for hours. I don’t know what happened to me, but after we ended, I realized how special you were to me and how much you meant to me. I don’t think I was ever that happy with someone, ever. You were the first. Maybe you were my first love, maybe not. You were the closest thing to love I experienced and damn, I’m so happy it was you I got to experience it with. I think I loved you and if I did, I sure loved you a hell of a lot, cause you hurt me bad. More than anyone I know, but I learned so much from this, so I might as well thank you for that. The memories you gave me too, thank you for that too. I loved every single one of them. 

I saw you during the summer? I think. Not too long ago. I was at the mall with friends, having a good time and I stopped by A&F to see my mom really quick. As I was standing in line with her, someone walked past me and I glanced at them and I thought I saw you…I thought I was going crazy and just ignored it, but it was still in the back of my mind. Who would’ve known, it really was you. You walked right past me, I saw your face, clearly. It was you, it was really you. My heart dropped and I didn’t know how to react. I was just surprised and shocked and…blank. You were standing right there, a couple feet away from me and I walked right past you as I was leaving the store. I wanted to bump into you on “accident’” so you could see me, maybe you would have recognized me. I kind of wish you saw me first and said something, but I walked past you as fast as I could, taking a quick glance at your face. I ran to where my friends mom was picking us up, my heart was racing and I had no idea what to think or do. I was panting and I had no idea what to think. I got in the car and I did the last thing I thought I’d do that day. I started bawling. I couldn’t help it. I looked at Julie and told her, “I saw Matt.” and before I could say anything else, I started crying. She held my hand and I couldn’t stop. I missed you so much and that was when I was still not fully over you and I saw you, finally after all that time, I finally saw you and I couldn’t help but feel that hurt again and shit, I felt like crap. Seeing you that day, completely screwed with me, but honestly, I feel like, thats what finally got me to let go. I wanted to see you that bad and that was why I couldn’t let go, because I missed you so much and when I did, it was like, a burden lifted off. I got what I wanted and it was time, to let go of you and I did. 

I’m over you, 100%, but I can’t help but sulk in these memories again. I hope to find someone like you, but better. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and even though you forgot me, I won’t forget you. I think I really did love you, but I mean, that means nothing now. I’m waiting for someone like you again and I hope he makes me happier than you did. 

I hope all is well with you. I do miss you, but I’m okay without you. Thank you for making me so much stronger.  

About to go read Mice of Men,

idk why, but as I’m about to get off the computer and go read a book in my cozy bed, I thought of you. I wonder if your done reading the Kite Runner. You hate reading so much…haha, I wonder what page your on. I sound pathetic. I just want to talk to you.